Choosing Myself & Finding Comfort After Breast Cancer: Falon's Story

Choosing Myself & Finding Comfort After Breast Cancer: Falon's Story

My relationship with my body before being diagnosed with breast cancer has always been one of indifference. My body was just something to be maintained, not being loved and not being hated. Just an inconvenience. I was always someone who kept busy constantly. I worked two jobs since I was in high-school, and if I wasn't working I was out with friends. I never paid attention to my body or my own needs unless it was an emergency.

Until I felt a lump in my left breast.  I was still breastfeeding my son when I noticed a lump. At first I thought it was a clogged duct, but after about a month I decided to see my family doctor.  After a physical exam, diagnostic ultrasound, mammogram, and a biopsy, I was diagnosed with Stage 2B triple negative breast cancer in October of 2021 at 29 years old. My treatment plan would include a year of combined chemotherapy and immunotherapy, surgery, and possible radiation to be determined after my surgery.  When I started chemotherapy my medical team told me that since everyone responds to treatment differently that I had to pay extra close attention to my body and that any symptoms I experienced after my treatment I needed to contact them right away.  I didn't realize how much I was taking my body's strength for granted until I began chemotherapy.  I was always someone who felt rest was earned, until rest was my only option.

Until being out of bed was sometimes too much.

Until I was sobbing because I was parenting my son from my couch.

Until I was admitted to the hospital after every weekly treatment for six weeks straight.

Until at times it was impossible to even imagine a time when chemotherapy would be over.

After about six months of chemotherapy, I had my double mastectomy with tissue expanders in preparation for implant reconstruction later.  I wanted to reduce my risk of cancer reoccurence as much as possible, so I decided to do a double mastectomy. That surgery was the most difficult recovery I have ever gone through, mentally and physically.  Sitting in my bed for almost two weeks straight, in so much pain, with little to no feeling in my chest, realizing I will never be able to breastfeed my son or any other future children again, realizing that my chest will look and feel completely different than it has my entire life, I finally apologized to my body for the first time in my life. As I cried and cried I said out loud, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry I have been asking so much of you. I didn't know how much you were hurting." 

My strength has always been extremely important to me, so I would make choices without much thought for the toll it took on my body.  I would take extra long shifts at work.  Get very little sleep. Would choose procedures or other things that may be very painful because I could handle it. I'll be fine. I could take it. It wasn't until I endured a year of chemotherapy and multiple surgeries that I realized just because I can endure so much, doesn't mean I have to. I started to take my body into more consideration. I started to look at the risks to my body much more seriously. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can choose when I need to be strong, and I can choose when I need to rest.

Later after my implant reconstruction I didn't feel right. I didn't like the idea of my implants and other chemicals in my body for long periods of time. I didn't like having to prepare for more surgeries every five to ten years. I didn't need my body to look perfect, I just needed to be comfortable. Sometimes advocacy is pushing for more to look and feel great.  Sometimes advocacy is not taking no for an answer. Sometimes advocacy is doing one more surgery or procedure to get exactly what you want. For me, it was choosing to be comfortable and choosing one more procedure to avoid more procedures down the road.  I knew I would never have my old body back, so I would choose a new one instead.  I talked with my surgeons and removed my implants and had an aesthetic flat closure.  When I woke up from surgery I instantly felt relief.  It was the most comfortable I have been in my body since my mastectomy almost a year before.

Just because we make choices for ourselves, doesn't mean they are easy. You can choose something AND still grieve or be angry wishing things were different, wishing you didn't have to make a choice at all.

I am so glad I finally chose myself. My comfortability. My scars.  My strength. Now I am learning to listen to my body more, to choose rest, and to choose myself when I can. Your story matters because just maybe someone will find their own strength in you.

- Falon Stahley

@Falon on Instagram 

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